by Rachel Harris
Part 13
Parts 1 through 12 can be found at Rachel's home page -- A Whole Other Life
Duncan couldn't figure out what to do with himself as he watched these two women finally meet. He had been protecting Marsha for so long, he just had to sever his *worry nerve* for a bit anyway. He did his best to go with the flow of the conversation as Marsha and Genvieve chatted and got to know each other a little bit. Finally it happened:
"I so sorry to know Ben dead Marsha. He so good man. I so sorry." Genvieve wrote, the emotion coming through so strong in her words.
"Thank you Genvieve. It has been very, very hard. It happened so fast and we all miss him very much!" Marsha confided. "Did you know Ben very well?" Marsha asked out right.
This was a place that Duncan had to work hard to not interject his own comments.
"We good friends before. He so good everyone think he the best!" Genvieve answered.
Duncan felt himself relax. "Maybe this would go well after all," he thought to himself. He could just imagine that Genvieve was glad to finally meet Marsha and to have the chance to talk about Ben. Marsha, no doubt was happy to hear that Ben was so well thought of, even on IRC. If he was very honest with himself, it was very comforting to have these two women in his own life.
"I have to say that it makes me proud that everyone liked Ben so much," Marsha said, confirming Duncan's evaluation. "I have to say that I was a bit jealous of his time on the computer. I didn't understand this IRC thing before, like I do now." Marsha shared.
"Net make many friends." Genvieve agreed in earnest.
After much visiting, "Brandi-" decided she best get some things done before calling it a night. She warmly invited Genvieve to email her or to get together again. After hugging them both, Brandi- left the channel. A second later, Duncan got a private message from her. "Now don't you stay up toooooo late having tooooooooo much fun. I might have to question her intentions towards you! HAHAHAHAHA! Sweet dreams dear one!"
When Duncan messaged back with a ":)", Brandi- was already gone.
Focusing back on channel with Genvieve, they were both very relieved as to how smooth it seemed to go with Marsha.
"She so nice, no wonder Ben in love with her!" Genvieve exclaimed.
"Don't get me wrong, Marsha is incredible - she really is! He was also in love with you Genvieve. I know it. You are a wonderful woman too." Duncan blurted out. He wasn't sure if that was comforting to her or if it added to her sorry at yet another misplaced love.
"We love other, yes," Genvieve said, "But no future for us. No hope. No way I hurt family for Ben. No way he leave."
Duncan tried his best to show Genvieve that he didn't judge her, and in fact, show her he cared for her a great deal. It was comforting sharing stories about Ben and they seemed to talk for hours. This IRC stuff was sure a time robber and before he knew it, it was WAY past his bedtime. With warmest *hugs* to each other, Duncan said his "good-byes" to Genvieve. "Sleep fast mon ami," Genvieve said as a final endearment.
Laying in bed, Duncan's mind wandered in and around all the thoughts and feelings he had experienced recently. He was so relieved it went well with Marsha and Genvieve. Things happen for a reason and this seemed to be the perfect timing for them to meet.
Duncan then thought about Marsha meeting Joel later that day. He couldn't help but feel jealous, even thought he knew he had NO right to feel that way. Marsha deserved to be happy and if this Joel guy made her happy, well then, all the best to them. What could Duncan offer her anyway? She probably would never feel anything for him and he was not the most stable lover. He wasn't even sure if he ever could be true to one woman, if he was honest with himself. How in the world could he even think of anything serious with Marsha. She deserved better! He tried to clear his mind and searched for his comfortable sleeping position to hurry himself off to sleep.
The days had zoomed by so fast, it made Marsha nearly panic as her anxiety grow exponentially. One last trip through the house revealed too many things to fix/clean as she readied for Joel's visit. There had to be some type of Murphy's Law or something concerning the fact that light bulbs would blow and the pilot light would go out.
As she waited at the gate, she couldn't help but notice how nervous she was still. What if he didn't come? Each time another person got off the plane that WASN"T him, she was half convinced he wasn't going to show up. Finally, there he was. Her heart was thumping so loudly, she was sure that everyone could hear it.
She raced up to him and they held each other for a long time. It wasn't until they realized that they were holding up passenger flow, that they took their embrace to a less trafficked place.
Joel and Marsha could barely keep their eyes off of each other. "I don't mean to stare," Marsha said. "It is just so good to have you here in the flesh!" They talked non stop as they got Joel's luggage and then went to get him settled into his motel.
At the motel, Marsha became even more aware that she was still unresolved as to whether she was ready to live with Joel or not. It seemed that it was best to have Joel stay at a motel, especially for Benny's sake. She also felt so touch deprived, she couldn't stop thinking about what it would be like to be with Joel. They quickly left the room and headed back home to Marsha's house to meet Benny, who was just coming home from school.
That evening went over very well. Benny and Joel seemed to hit it off better than Marsha had hoped and they even set up to go see a Tball game next weekend. After Benny had his 3rd glass of water and Marsha had put her foot down about his going to sleep, Joel and Marsha had time to talk. The plan was for Joel to take the car back to the motel with him and then get up very early and come back to Marsha's. That way, Joel didn't need a rental car and Marsha didn't have to hire a baby sitter for Benny while she was driving Joel around.
When they were sure Benny was really asleep, they snuggled on the couch together and continued to talk. When she was cuddled into Joel, his body seemed very insistent. She tried to explain to him that she felt uncomfortable with Benny in the other room and that any minute he could wake up and come looking for her. Joel seemed to accept that and then just minutes later, he was at it again. Marsha felt herself melt at his touch, yet was so determined to go slow, it was starting to bother her. She was able to get him heading off to the motel for some much needed rest.
The next few days sped by. There was so much to do and so much she wanted to show Joel. Their days were spent with each other while Benny was in school, their evenings were spent with Benny doing lots of family type things. The sexual tension when they were alone was so thick at times, she felt guilty, but she just wasn't ready to make love to him yet. Every time she tried to bring up the subject of sex, especially safe sex, he seemed bummed out and often changed the subject.
With the weekend approaching, they made plans for Benny to spend Friday night with his best friend while Marsha and Joel went into Boston for the night. Marsha was feeling more and more apprehensive about it as they still hadn't had a talk about safe sex. Her hope was that they could go get HIV testing together at the clinic... or buy one of those new home test kits. While she thought she knew his sexual history, she felt very strongly that she had an obligation to her son to not assume ANYTHING.
Finally on Thursday night, after Benny went to sleep, she broached the subject. This time she would not be distracted. "You know Joel, it seems like every time I bring up the issue of safe sex, somehow we get talking about other things." Marsha said out right. "I really feel strongly that we need to deal with this directly, especially since we will be going to Boston tomorrow together."
"Well, I don't know why you feel you have to keep dragging out the subject." Joel almost snapped. "I have already told you I have only been with one person since my wife died."
"Joel, you know as well as I do that AIDS isn't something to mess around with. This disease doesn't care who is 'nice' or who isn't. It only takes one time," Marsha maintained.
"Marsha, I know full well about AIDS and I know I don't have them and I know you don't either, so what is the big deal?" Joel asked, his voice still agitated.
Marsha snuggled into Joel and tried to explain her point. "How do you KNOW I don't have the virus Joel? For all I know Ben could have been having affairs right and left without me knowing it and brought home the disease. I think we should both get tested to make sure we are both safe when we do make love."
"So what are you saying Marsha? You won't make love with me unless we get tested? What kind of ultimatum is that?!" Joel challenged, his voice starting to raise.
"Joel, I don't think of it as a threat, I just am surprised really that you are taking it this way. I want you very much! You know I have incredible strong feelings for you and am even thinking of building a life with you. I love you. I also want us to come together, knowing we are starting off with a clean slate."
Joel stood up, nearly unsettling Marsha in the process. "You don't trust me. I can't believe you don't trust me Marsha. I came all this way to be with you. I love YOU! I WANT you. I don't want a condom coming between us AND I don't want to feel like I have 'cooties' of some sort that you have to have me pass a test to make love to you. I can't believe you are making such a big deal of all this."
Marsha was nearly in tears now. "How could she make this into a win-win situation? Why was he being so irrational?" she thought to herself.
"I don't think you have 'cooties,' Joel. I want you too. I am not trying to play games, I just feel I have a serious obligation to Benny to make sure that I don't take any chances. There are home tests now that we could take together Joel, it shouldn't be that big of a deal. Wouldn't you rather put up with the hassle and know that it is safe instead of taking the risk (however small) that it isn't?" Marsha did her best to maintain her calm as she discussed this with Joel.
"I haven't felt like this about anyone for what seems like ever Marsha. But for me, trust in a relationship is paramount. It is everything. If you don't trust me enough to make love to me without forcing us to PROVE myself to you, then we don't have as much trust as we need to make a go of this relationship. Maybe this wasn't such a good idea, me coming here after all." Joel said curtly.
Marsha couldn't believe her ears. This was their first fight and it was happening over a subject that would seem they would be in matter of fact agreement. Marsha felt her face burning and she noticed tears running down her cheeks. "I am sorry you feel that way Joel, I really am." Marsha choked the words out. "Maybe we should sleep on it and see how we feel in the morning."
Joel agreed, barely said "goodnight" and left with her car for the motel. Marsha was shaking as she busied herself cleaning up the kitchen. Whenever she was in emotional turmoil, her nervous energy had her cleaning everything and anything that caught her attention. Now, with this, she was focused on the cobwebs on the back cooling grill of the refrigerator.
"What in the world am I going to do now," she thought? "I am not about to back down on this; it is too important. I will NOT sleep with him until we both have HIV tests and we use condoms. I just don't understand how he can be so stubborn about this. " Marsha fumed.
Her next impulse after cleaning was to call Duncan. She needed his perspective. Was she unreasonable? Was there any way around this stand off? "Dang! His line is busy! No doubt he is online with Genvieve." She immediately felt a rush of jealousy and was taken by surprise at the strength of the emotion. What in the world was wrong with her to be jealous of her brother in laws relationships?! Marsha decided to take a hot shower to help her calm down and head to bed.
The next morning was stilted between Marsha and Joel, but she got Benny off to school with the extra things packed for his overnight fun. She was not about to deprive him of this fun time, just because the Boston trip might fall through. With Benny safe at school, Marsha and Joel could talk openly again.
Sitting on the couch, drinking coffee, Joel had his arm on her shoulder. "C'me here honey, let's not fight anymore." Joel entreated her. Marsha put down her coffee and allowed herself to be pulled into his embrace. Their bodies' felt so good together, it would be easy to lose herself in his charms. Joel became more insistent and intimate until finally Marsha had to pull herself away and jump up off the couch. "Joel, I don't want to fight with you... but as much as I want you right now, I still feel the same way as last night."
"Marsha, relax will you? We are going to have a fun time in Boston," he said, "and you take all the time you need to feel good about making love with me. I won't pressure you, but I also won't take that test or wear a condom Marsha. You just have to trust me."
As much as Marsha wanted to get away and have fun in Boston with Joel, she also knew that she had very little resistance to him and it would be a terrible idea to go under the circumstances. She imagined that he would keep trying to seduce her and she just couldn't let herself weaken in this situation.
"Joel, I know you haven't been to Boston in ages, but I don't think it is a good idea for us to go together until we get this issue resolved. I honestly don't think I could resist you and I would feel terrible if I didn't. You are welcome to take the car still, I don't need it. I have lots I can do around the house. You will be back tomorrow anyway and it will give us some time to think things out."
Joel's loving face turned sour. "You are going to be stubborn on this are you? You are going to blow our time together just because you don't trust me, eh? You made me think you cared for me and had me come all this way to be with you; to start building a life with you and this is how you treat me. I don't think there is anything more to think about Marsha. I will just change my tickets and head out today."
"You don't have to do that Joel, honest. I DO care for you... I don't know how else to say it or show it. Please don't take it this way. I just want to be careful. It doesn't mean I don't love you. Please stay. You and Benny were going to the TBall game on Sunday. Oh Joel, please don't take it this way."
"Well you give me little choice Marsha. I cannot be with someone that doesn't trust me." Joel's face appeared as hard as his words. "I am sorry about missing the game with Benny. Just tell him that I was called away. He will get over it. We all will. Better to know that it wasn't going to work out now Marsha, instead of later. I will email you when I get back home."
Marsha couldn't believe her ears. He was really leaving and it didn't matter what she felt and it didn't seem to matter that he would disappoint Benny as well. What kind of a person would be this way?! Why did she feel like begging him to stay and compromising herself for him. She offered to at least take him back to the motel, but he insisted on taking a cab. She had never noticed this cold side to him before. The minutes were absolute torture until the cab's horn provided momentary relief.
She felt like she was a character in some B rated movie, standing there crying and begging him to reconsider, even as he was climbing into the taxi. She watched the cab drive out of sight and still she stood there on the porch, watching the empty street through her tear blurred eyes. How could he do this? She was incredulous and also stunned.
Not knowing what to do with herself, she called Duncan at w*rk. "I need you Duncan. Is there anyway you can come over?" Marsha sobbed. Without a question, Duncan raced to her side.
"What's going on?" Duncan asked guardedly as he hugged her in the entryway of her house. "Thank you for coming over... I know I am being ridiculous, but Joel just left for Boston without me" Marsha began. "We had quite a hassle and... oh Duncan... I don't know what I am going to do!"
Duncan continued to hug her as they moved into the living room to sit down. Marsha was crying so much, it was hard for Duncan to understand her at times, but he was beginning to get the drift of what had transpired. Duncan found himself outraged that this man had hurt Marsha and at the same time, he couldn't help but feel a bit of pleasure that he was there holding her.
"Oh Duncan, YOU would take an AIDS test and wear a condom wouldn't you?" Marsha inquired insistently. "I am not just being stubborn for no good reason am I?"
"Of course I would" Duncan assured her. "I also don't think you were outta line to insist Marsha. You don't know this man that well and there is too much at stake."
Marsha was quieted by Duncan's words and his comforting touch. "Duncan, you have always been there for me... I don't know what I would do in this life without you near me." Marsha exclaimed. She looked up at him with puffy, tear filled eyes and a red nose and at that moment, in spite of everything, he thought her the most appealing woman he had ever met. Tentatively at first, then with more ardor, he kissed her.
