Parts 1, 2, 3, 4, 5, 6, 7, 8, 9and 10 can be found at Rachel's home page.
The snow had nearly all melted -- quenching the thirst of the new and persistent clumps of grass. This lush green gave the cemetery a fresh feel of new beginnings instead of the final endings so often associated with a graveyard. Duncan thought it was a perfect place to be and noticed that there were even little shoots of crocuses coming up in a few areas. Taking a deep, cleansing breath, he looked for a place to sit and reflect about all that had happened. Unfortunately there weren't any benches nearby. He decided he would talk to Marsha and Benny when they arrived, about getting one or two of them installed near Ben's grave. He felt that familiar rush of sadness flood his senses as his fingers traced the words carved in the stone so carefully.
At times he just could not believe that Ben was gone, especially with how often he visited Duncan in his dreams. However, these chiseled words and the visible newness of the plot itself, forced the issue of the finality of Ben's death. So much had happened. Duncan imagined he would be feeling the effects for quite some time.
"Ben, I finally had the courage to tell Genvieve everything," Duncan shared as he continued to rub the smooth marble. "You were right, Ben. I trusted in her love and I think it will all be O.K." Genvieve loved you so much Ben. She really did! I so relieved that Genvieve finally knows the whole truth Ben." Almost as soon as these words were out of his mouth, Duncan regretting saying them because he turned and saw Marsha standing right there looking at him. "Oh my g*d,!" he thought, "What did she hear?"
Marsha turned to collect the energetic Benny, heavy potted plants precariously in her arms, and direct him towards his father's grave. Duncan quickly retrieved the plants before they toppled and placed them at the base of the stone on each side. Marsha still seemed to have a puzzled look on her face as she gave Duncan a tight hug. "I am so glad you were able to join us. It means a lot to us." she said to her brother-in-law.
"I am really happy you called, Marsha," Duncan replied. "It is so pleasant out here today." Duncan went over and picked up his nephew for a hug. The boy seemed to have grown an foot in the short time he had missed seeing he and his mother. "Gosh those plants are pretty with those flowers Benny. Did you help your mom pick them out?" Duncan asked. "Yep! We looked and looked for the bestest ones! They didn't have blue so we got these ones." Benny replied.
Marsha started to correct his grammar but decided against it. "Have you been here long Duncan," she asked? "That's what took us a little longer than I expected," Marsha explained.
"No, I actually just got here myself," Duncan replied, hedging just a bit. "I did want to talk to you two about something though," Duncan began. "What do you think of the idea of getting a couple of really nice benches to put right over there," Duncan pointed. "I was looking for a place to sit near here and the nearest bench is clear across the way."
"I think that is a splendid idea," Marsha said. "What do you think Benny?" Benny had already run over and climbed up on the bench. "I want THIS one. Let's move it over there." Benny requested. "That's not how it works, partner," Duncan responded. "We need to buy our own benches; not use someone else's." Benny smiled. "O.K. Can we go get them right now?"
Marsha sighed. Benny was quite an active child normally, but he seemed to be especially hyper during this outing. She knew it must be stress related; how could it not be emotional to come see where his dad was buried. It was a very difficult time for her as well, but she gathered up her energy to try and be patient with him. "Benny," she started, "We have plenty of time to go pick out benches, but let's arrange these plants and spend some quiet time thinking about 'daddy', O.K?" she implored.
"O.K. mama. How come daddy's place doesn't have grass on it like the other ones?" Benny asked as he raced over to join Duncan and Marsha. Marsha sighed again. "Honey, it's because there hasn't been enough time for grass to really grow good here yet."
Benny plopped himself down on the ground, paying no concern to the damp or dirt. He started asking lots of questions about his dad buried there and Marsha quickly felt worn out completely. Duncan was kind enough to help answer some of the hard inquiries and in fact, kneeled down next to Benny as he spoke, to be more on the same level. Marsha, fighting back tears by now, couldn't help but notice how tender Duncan was with him and how he was similar to Ben in some very caring ways. She adored her brother-in-law, always had and always would. "Would he think less of her because of Joel" she wondered? Marsha pushed thoughts of anything else out of her head to concentrate on this visit with Ben.
"Would you like some time alone with him?" Duncan asked. "Benny here, and I could take a walk around to check out the different types of benches we see here." Marsha's glance was now one of gratitude and the two took off, given her some needed space.
Marsha's tears could be stayed no longer and she burst into sobs. "Ben, I miss you so much! How could you have let this happen? This wasn't the way it was supposed to be! We were supposed to go traveling and explore the world together, now that Benny was getting older. You were my buddy Ben. I have been so lonely without you!" The irrationality of her words didn't matter at all as she just spouted off to the gravestone. "It is so hard to go on alone Ben. I need some help and comfort. Benny needs someone too. He is doing the best he can, but he desperately misses you too."
"I also feel guilty as hell Ben. I am not one of those women who prove their undying love for their mate by never being with another. I wish I was, but I am not. I hope you forgive me Ben if I start seeing this man I have come to know. I met him on the COMPTER of all places. Do you remember how many times I begged you to get off that thing?" Marsha half expected Ben to answer her back as her tears continued to sting her face in a flurry of conflicted emotions.
Marsha looked up and could see Benny and Duncan strolling on a nearby hill. Benny was on Duncan's shoulders – his favorite place to ride when Ben was alive. Marsha thought of what a good father Duncan would make and how comfortable their life could all be together if things were different. Marsha struggled to wipe her eyes and pull herself together so she wouldn't be a complete wreck when they returned. She had to be strong for Benny, no matter how she felt!
When Duncan and Benny rejoined her, Marsha spontaneously grabbed onto Duncan and her shoulder riding son. They all just held each other, even in this awkward position. Marsha could tell that Duncan was crying along with Benny and herself. "Life is sooooo complicated and hard!" she thought to herself, helping Benny down and hugging him again.
"Is there anything you want to do Benny or say to daddy?" Marsha asked her boy. "Daddy, I wish… you could … could… come home soo… n," was all Benny could get out without bursting into tears again. Marsha didn't want this to be just a sobbing session. She had hoped that these visits would give them both time to feel close to Ben, not just miss him more. She decided to cut this visit short and asked Duncan if he would like to spend some time alone with Ben. He could then meet up with them to go out to get something to eat. Duncan, nervous still about what Marsha may have overheard, was hesitant to spend more time alone there, so decided to join them directly.
They all said "good-bye" to Ben and decided to meet at a more upbeat place in the city. A new place had just opened. It was an indoor playground of sorts for people of all ages. It had a kids' gym, video games, an indoor miniature golf range, a virtual reality center, a bookstore, an Internet center, and a bistro with specialty coffees. Apparently it was fashioned after a place in Seattle that had just opened. Seemed like just the place to lift their spirits.
Benny opted for eating after he played for a while in the kid's gym. The neat thing about this place was that he was checked into the kids' space and could not leave by himself or any other adult until his mom fetched him. They admired their matching id bracelets for a second, then he was off. Marsha and Duncan watched him jump right into to the room of rainbow balls with complete abandon. "Oh to have that sense of play again!" Duncan muttered, partially to Marsha and mostly to himself. Marsha sighed and agreed. Freed up now, they went and chose food for their trays and took them over to the space right next to the kid's gym. As it turned out, the best place to watch Benny in this glass enclosed area, was at the Internet center. "How convenient!" Marsha chuckled.
Marsha and Duncan made light conversation over their food and their coffee. It was a nice relief from the emotional storm at the cemetery, but it also felt like there was much that wasn't being said. They didn't often have this uninterrupted time together, so Marsha decided to bring up the subject of Joel's visit. Looking at her watch, he might even be on and that might be fun to sign on from this place with Duncan. Was it her imagination or was Duncan not interested in getting on here? The temptation of being able to see Joel was too strong to have Marsha defer to what Duncan *might* be wanting, so she went over the attendant to get log on instructions.
No luck. Joel wasn't on. Marsha decided to do a quick check to see if he was on #40plusfriends using another nick. His name was just not there as Marsha scrolled through the names on channel. "Hey Duncan," Marsha called over to the table, "That Gevevere, no Genvieve is online. Want to come talk to her? Oh, and that reminds me, what were you saying at the cemetery about Genvieve?" Duncan froze inside.
