Recently I received an e-mail encouraging women to gather together and compare notes about problem men on IRC. It's been troubling me ever since. I am not even sure I am able to clearly express why I have such mixed emotions about it, but this is my attempt to sort out the issues involved as I see them.
One of the main concerns I had about the letter is that it named
names. I am an avid supporter of dealing with ISSUES and not
personalities. I will try to "walk that talk" here in this piece as well.
I believe that the women who wrote it were sincere in their efforts to
try to be pro-active in gathering women together for support. I am not
trying to put them down in any way. At the same time, the focus seemed to
be on one individual and not on the behaviors that were troublesome. To
invite people together to share concerns about
Instead, what I have seen is people villainizing one side or the other. The women who wrote the letter have been called courageous for being so open instead of just gossiping behind the scenes. Some people believe that this man needed to be stopped and by not going public with it, likened it to protecting a child molester and ignoring the problem.
In the other camp, some think that it is pure character assassination and spiteful. They point out that the man is seriously physically challenged and wheelchair-bound and think that he was just enjoying an IRC fantasy life. I believe that the women who wrote it are also NOT the issue. I ALSO then bring up my same concern about sticking to the ISSUES involved and not the personalities. In fact, we could easily substitute ANY nickname, even a made up name, and the issues would still be paramount.
Another part of this that concerned me were some of the underlying assumptions, conscious or not, intentional or not that:
About a year ago, there was a nick on channel that had several women madly in love with him and was dishonest about his relationship with the many others. He was confronted publicly and chastised off channel. My heart went out to all involved. There were no winners and I am also not sure that it stopped the behavior of the offender.
Six months ago there was another incident concerning a woman that was accused of ripping people off financially. She was chastised publicly on channel and when she went elsewhere, she was followed and chastised in another channel. The people involved thought they were doing a good turn by protecting the innocent from a con artist. Did it protect anyone? I am not so sure. On the other channel they just kept a ban on against the person denouncing the woman, and in fact many came to the accused's defense. Did she go away from #41plus? Yes, but she is other places now. If it actually WERE true about her being a con artist, I would think that any con would just get more skilled at their craft of deceit.
Some of the people reading this might be thinking "who WAS Rachel talking about in this article?" Again, the names are not important, it is the points raised that are worthy of understanding. There is a wide spread belief that we are just mirrors for each other in this life and we draw people and situations to us from which we must need to learn. For me, I want to spend my time understanding some of these concerns:
These are difficult questions deserving discussion and no doubt there are different answers to each question based on one's own value system. If I were to take the Eagle's song "Take It Easy" to heart, I would be better lightening up instead of trying to understand. Since I can't seem to kick the "trying to understand" habit, I'm hoping they aren't mutually exclusive activities. =)
This anonymous submission speaks directly to the pain caused by cyber-predators.
It was only a dream, make believe, it wasn't real
But I thought it was
I took it serious, I really thought it was love
I got burnt right to my very soul
This love that was so precious to me was so real
I took it seriously but you treated it like a game
You are tired of me now
I am no longer fun to play with
You have gone on to play with someone else
And left me lying here bleeding on the floor
I will survive this and be stronger for this
You touched a part of me no one had touched
It was the pain inside of me from previous hurt
I don't think you even knew what you were doing
But you did it, you brought that out of me
This touched me so much right to the very core of my soul
I will always love you for doing that
For who you could have been
But you were a fake, out for yourself
And you left me bleeding at your feet
While you went on to play with someone else's heart
I hope you find the happiness you are looking for
But you will never find happiness by using others
This is IRC, this isn't real they tell me
But feelings here are VERY real
This isn't make believe
This is REAL to those who's lives are played with
Who's love and friendship are abused
And whose hearts are broken here.