By rachelh
Think back for a minute if you will about high school. People from all over come to learn, socialize, grow, & struggle. All kinds of people from all kinds of economic, ethnic and cultural groups; thrown together into the mix. Maybe you were painfully aware of some cliques of people that included some and excluded others. Maybe you were part of a clique or were just otherwise pre-occupied and blissfully ignorant of hurtful events. Gossip, hypocrisy, excessive competition, petty power plays or taunting of people's differences are all things that added to the strain. If you are like most people, you had direct or indirect experience with the cruelty of other kids.
Even though we call most of our channels variations on a #40something theme, in many ways it feels like we have been creating and recreating some of the same traumas and dramas that seem like the same ones from high school. Many of us have been together for a year or longer and we have been through a lot together. From being *newbies* ourselves, now, some people's favorite pastime is to scorn or trick newbies. We all have our different groups of friend- ships that can feel like they are impenetrable to people (even from just using a different server). The use of INVITE ONLY adds to feelings of exclusion and some people are banned from channels because they come across as too friendly or cutesie.
Kicking and banning has been the topic of heated discussions for ages now. Some people seem to thrive on the petty power of it, especially with an audience, while others try to use it judiciously, only when there is a major threat to the sensibilities and safety to the channel. Still others just leave or start their own gentler channels in efforts to avoid what can feel like a *feeding frenzy* or LORD OF THE FLIES mentality.
The gossip and dishonesty scale goes off the charts at times here as well. As we flirt, develop relationships, discuss opinions and inadvertently offend each other during all the time we spend together, some problems are inevitable. For some people, they seem to have little else to do with their lives than to talk about people behind their backs. They seem to have switched their need for soap operas and the "National Inquirer" for this more interactive format of IRC. People here, as in life, have the whole range or limits of problem-solving skills. Some want to avoid conflict at any costs, even if it means resorting to passive-aggressive behavior; others out and out lie to themselves AND others, and other try to face conflict head on, unfortunately often creating more in the process. At the very least, information gets jumbled in this written and spoken form...like a huge children's game of telephone and people often get hurt in the process.
Values, are of course, a very personal thing. It is not that we have to get along or like EVERYONE. It just seems like we would all be better humans if we strive to deal with each other more directly and respectfully in spite of any of our personality conflicts. Parents have often taught their children " If you can't say something nice about someone, don't say anything at all." While saying nice things is certainly... er... well...*nice*, we might benefit by changing that to "Say ANYTHING nice to people to their face OR behind their back, but anything negative is best dealt with that person directly."
As we are having more and more Channel parties, we are facing issues about how to handle personality conflicts. When I had the first major party, I was advised to NOT have it at my house, to take a cab to the event so that people couldn't track where I lived for safety reasons and to NOT give out real names. I chose to ignore that advice, no matter how well meaning it was. Instead I opened my home to any and all who wanted to join. I saw it as a party for the channel...NOT my own personal party. That has been my policy for the other two parties that I have had the honor AND the hassle to throw. I had an open invitation to everyone nearby and no one was turned away that wanted to join, even if I didn't personally care for someone in particular. I tried to be as gracious and espectful as possible...and figured that everyone had the right to visit with others if not interested in visiting with me, or me with them. It goes against my very values to exclude someone. It just seems cruel and unfair otherwise.
Apparently not everyone feels that way as some people now are creating parties where people can be purposefully left out. I think it is a shame, from a personal perspective as well as what it says for the breakdown of the spirit of the channel. It also puts the other people coming to the party itself in an awkward position. They want to visit with people, probably hate to have any conflicts and yet feel bad that there is any kind of division.
People have chided me for trying to face this issue head on, saying that the people that I am discussing here have demonstrated by their behavior that they clearly must not care at all & it will just give them more ammunition with which to be cruel and gossipy. The addage "Never try to teach a pig to sing! You will be wasting your time, you won't get anywhere and it only infuriates the pig" was brought up. I would like to believe otherwise. Even with my personal hurts, I tend to be an eternal optomist and believe in the basic good nature of people. But hey,....I am one of those people that would be considered too perky or friendly on channel, I am against kicking and banning unless it is clearly the LAST resort, and I stand up against racist, ethnic, sexist and gay bashing/slurs......so WHAT DO I KNOW??!! *smiling*
I do know that we have all been given an incredible gift... this IRC. It has opened up many worlds that have not previously been available. We, as pioneers in this brave new universe, can create a microcosm that raises us above small-mindedness or one that keeps us locked into this high school mentality that is the same thinking that creates war in our world. The choice is really up to us. Mine is just one, however vocal, vote.