A few weeks ago something happened to me at w*rk. I was getting the latest details about what policy changes had come into effect while I was gone to Australia. I was feeling very upbeat, and gentle-spirited towards the world in general. I had also minutes before, been visiting with my dear friends on the net where I feel quite at home using terms of endearment. Apparently I inadvertently called the person "honey" in the midst of our conversation. Immediately this person became furiously red-faced and started yelling at me. "Don't you EVER call me that again! It is disgusting, patronizing and outrageous!"
I was totally taken aback. I never try to offend people and of course I apologized immediately. Even though this had been my first offense with this person, he(she) did not accept my apology for quite a while. Instead, he(she) continued to rant and rave at me. I remained calm, but I can say that it was quite a challenge. Now grant it, this is a person who has the reputation of offending nearly everyone in our agency. The outbursts are similar but apparently with different things. This just might have been my turn. Still, I could not believe that this person was that upset, that quickly and for that length of time.
I personally try to take responsibility for my part of any disagreements. I was honestly apologetic and will w*rk hard to never do anything like that to him(her) again. I took the issue itself to heart and started wondering if there were others that I had inadvertently offended that were just less volatile in their reactions. I even started discussing this subject with others on the net to see what their reaction was to being called "honey" or variations on that theme like "sweetie". The reactions were all very different and I found it to be very interesting. Most of the people seemed surprised when I broached the subject. There was lots of chuckling and permission to call THEM "honey" any time. Some got rather indignant on my behalf and told me what I should have told the person, even though I did not give any clues as to that person's identity. A few, however, told me that they thought that it was indeed a patronizing and unpleasant experience to be called "honey" by anyone but THEIR significant other. They wished they had the nerve to speak up (though not so vehemently) when it happens to them. One staff shared that she had been brought into the supervisor's office for calling a youth "honey." The youth didn't have a problem with it, it was another staff person that had overheard and reported her use of that term. It is now in her formal record. Another person told me that recently there was a national case in the US. where a woman had apparently lost her job for calling a customer "honey." From what I understand, she eventually got her job back, but I can just imagine what her life must have been like during all the deliberation.
It seems like there are two main issues here. One: how do we know where to draw the line about friendliness, over-familiarity, patronizing behavior and harassment on the net as well as in our daily lives? The other issue seems to be: how do we handle situations when we are offended? There is a growing concern about what is offensive behavior on the net. In the face to face world, we have historically been able to rely on tone of voice and facial expression in deciding to be offended or not. On the net, we primarily have the written word which often leaves additional room for interpretation. What words or phrases are acceptable? If someone uses one of the "7", does that qualify as having wronged someone? Does the written word hug count as an offense to someone whose religion prohibits contact between the genders? Is it sexual harassment if sexual advances continue after the perpetrator is told "no"? Does the ability to use /ignore nick allcounteract any claims if it is not used?
I have seen what I would consider libelous behavior on IRC as well as flaming posts in user groups. I have seen as well as heard more and more stories about people writing to someone's provider about behaviors considered offensive; even requesting that certain people be prohibited from using the internet altogether. Some have even involved lawyers and have threatened law suits. We are such a litigatious society here in the U.S., we are creating a whole new field of internet law, just in sorting out these very issues.
I don't mean to discount people's right to be offended if they so choose. Taking offense just seems to come much easier to some while for others, behaving with personal integrity often is much harder. I once read a piece on a Holocaust survivor whose whole philosophy of life since he was freed was summed up by:
"NEVER SWEAT THE SMALL STUFF. And REMEMBER IT IS ALMOST ALL SMALL STUFF."
Now if I can only remember instead to do my "sweating" while exercising.