By Rachel (with some great additions from friends.

Over the last couple weeks, there has been yet another upswelling of friendship, harmony and goodwill on-line amongst various people and several channels. In an effort to try and understand this incredible phenomenon, people were asked their opinion about a variety of issues. Due to the wonders of modern technology, here are the up-to- the-minute results of that recent poll:

• **99% of all people polled believe that REALITY is for people that can't handle IRC (or April Fool's Day)

• According to one nick, a petition is circulating to abolish rl as a concept. Maybe if enough people sign it, perhaps things can change.... :))

  RELIABILITY FACTORS:

• **100% of all people polled sought out the pollster voluntarily and shared their opinion that they had NO opinion and that they would NEVER, under any circumstances,answer any polls or polls ABOUT polls or polls ABOUT polls ABOUT polls.

• 100% ignored the question regarding use of the command /IGNORE nick all

  ABOUT IRC ITSELF:

• 100% answered that people should get more serious and quit having so much fun.
• **83% answered that they actually PREFERRED "hi/bye" scroll and rated it significantly above any attempts at meaningful conversation or even the use of PROZAC.
• **38% answered the exact opposite about the "hi/bye" scroll and actually PREFERRED PROZAC or even meaningful conversation.
• **23% answered, in a related question, that they believed that since people often left channel in such a hurry, that "good-byes" should be required to be said BEFORE people even considered leaving channel.
• 100% felt like there were NOT enough RL parties to meet the need to irc in the physical company of other nicks. They wanted a Professional Party Planner hired to set up parties on a weekly basis and also make it a non-profit, money making social service club.
• <0% answered that "IRC and the net was addictive," as they were too busy on #ircaddict to respond.
• 90% of the people polled have requested that all bots be put on their own #bot channel to see which survive the bot wars. 'coming to a screen near you...

  PRODUCTS THEY WOULD LIKE TO SEE ON THE NET:

• **55% answered that developing new software that allows people to actually smoke a cigarette together after netsex should be the top priority.
• **69% answered that "SPLAT PROTECTION" was even more needed than speel or grammer ../msg Sweetnose oh baby, honey, darling, poopsie...how I would like to kiss the end of your proboscus!! OOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOpsss check for safer IRCIng on channel.
• **18% thought that keyboard sensors should be able to notify people on IRC about the on-line use by someone 18yrs +/- with a special adaptor to also indicate gender.
• **Research shows that out of a general population, approximately 77% of people will be considered JERKS by at least 77%. 77% answered that there should be software called "JERK ALERT"
• 100% would like to see rubber modem cables for safer netsex and also: classes for one-finger typing

  UPCOMING EVENTS:

• **On April 1, there will be the FIRST ANNUAL CYBER "THEY SHOOT HORSES, DON'T THEY?" DANCE CONTEST AND MARATHON. Set your mIRC options to "auto-join on invite" and *grab* your partners and start practicing now for those difficult one-handed do-si-dos. HELP WANTED:

• Official Channel Greeter sought. Needed to help keep up with the HI/BYE demands on- line, the OCG will be responsible for much of the scroll on the channel. Must be able to speeeeel "HIGH" and "BY" accurately and type at least 2 words per minute. Computer skills desirable, but not required. This is an equal opportunity position, however BOTS are not protected by this server and need NOT apply. If you are not sure about your botness, see the simple test later in this column.

DEFINITIVE BOT TEST:

You may be a bot if......


10) your favorite drink is 10W/40 weight
 9) your idea of sex is start/engage/f1/pageup/shift key/enter/page 
    up/page down/f2/shift/page up/page down/f3/end/cigarette
 8) your mother is a toaster
 7) your father is an electric can opener
 6) your favorite magazine is electronics monthly
 5) your bathroom is filled with computer discount mags and parts wholesalers
 4) you parse PERL
 3) you think x is a lovely nick
 2) you are always the last one on channel
 1) your Goddess is Ada, Countess of Lovelace. (The first programmer)

FINANCIAL CORNER:

**FedX will soon merge with the Relaxation Therapist's Union. This new company will be called FEDLAX and will /dcc soothing messages no later than noon the next day. (This is NOT to be confused with XLAX, which is conciderably faster at acheiving the same results.)

- NET POLE RESULTS:

**People were too polarized to be polled** (until NEXT April Fool's Day that is!*GRIN*)

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