When I first entered the world of Irc, I chose a gender neutral nick, naively assuming that gender would be irrelevant to all I talked to. After all, if you are talking about world events, the weather or most subjects, it is what you know, not what sex you are, that determines the basis of interaction, right? I figured if gender was important to someone then they were probably interested in engaging in activities I didn't even wish to know about. This was purposeful. I actually made an attempt to not include any gender references while on channel although I would tell anyone to whom I was talking. It was not an attempt to deceive, rather an attempt to remove sexual possibilities from relationships on the net. I am not suggesting that we should have gender removed from all interactions. If the conversation is flirtatious, sexual or emotional in content, then gender is relevant. However, when it is not, who cares?! What I didn't realize at the time, was the tendency of people to assume gender. People are masculine or feminine in real life. With out much to go on, we tend to categorize them that way on the net too.

The first incident that brought this to my awareness happened on #30plus. We were bantering on channel and I made what I thought was a humorous comment that was not received by someone in kind. He asked me why I hadn't answered a message of his directed at me and I said I was waiting for him to get a dictionary. Suddenly I was hit with a message. It included all sorts of words I had never ever used in real life. I can't remember them all now, but they made mention of likely sexual preferences and activities with a couple of stabs at the baseness of my character thrown in for good measure. Then it dawned on me. These were not insults directed at a woman. Instead they were designed to upset a male. Use your imaginations here, folks, but it sure ain't insulting for a female to be told she engages in certain activities with men. It might be downright inappropriate to bring it up, but not insulting. So, I thought to myself, "men sure aren't as nice as females in a confrontation," shook my head and moved on.

I remember one time I had asked a newcomer on channel what he did for a living and he replied with the longest list of various positions, titles, duties, etc., so I typed in a message. "So the short answer would be _______?" The reply that came via private message was, and I quote, "Short answers are only for men with short penises." At the time , I didn't take it as a case of mistaken gender but rather as a fairly clever retort. I also took it as a comment from somebody who enjoyed good-humored confrontation and rose to the occasion. There are few things as exhilarating as a good battle with a worthy opponent and he was a master. I had lots of fun crossing swords with him first on that channel and later on another channel we both moved to. Then all of a sudden it stopped. He was pleasant, friendly and courteous. He still seemed to be spoiling for a fight with others but not with me who had so obviously enjoyed it. Was he angry? Nope, he would tell me about his family, his friends, etc. Slowly, it dawned on me that he was now treating me like gasp a female friend and I was no longer seen in the light of a sparring partner sigh. However, I have also seen that males can be very helpful to other males, contrary to popular mythology. I came onto the net computer illiterate. Wanting to learn, I would ask questions and there was one person in particular who was very helpful. He was not condescending but would give me URLs for sites that had information and seemed to think that given proper leads that I would be able to find out the rest on my own. He was right and I felt free to ask for help anytime I got stuck.

However one day a message came. "YOU are female?" it said. I said "yes" and asked if it made any difference. "Yes," he replied, "it is a guy thing, I will be much more willing to help now that I know you are female." There was only one problem. I no longer felt comfortable asking him for help. I could ask for assistance in a gender irrelevant situation but couldn't bring myself to do it once sexual boundaries had been drawn. It was easy for me to ask for help as a person but I felt uncomfortable as being seen as a female who needed assistance. That's when I started going to #Macintosh. There they also were very helpful and it seemed to be a gender neutral situation, but one day when things were slow, one of the regulars started lamenting about the lack of females on the net. Another person piped up that was because he was on the wrong type of channel. No way could you expect to find any females on #Macintosh. I called for a gender check, being pretty darn sure that one of us would be female <G. Lo and behold, there were two. It would seem that in a computer environment, the assumption is that you are male. I suspect that there may be channels where the reverse is true.

One time a guy very kindly decided to initiate me to the possibilities of netsex. "Have you been in the closet?" he asked. I replied that I wasn't even sure the closet was for real.

"Oh it's for real" he replied nudge wink. At first I took this to be the start of a pass but then realized that no, he was sharing information with a cohort. Nice guy, actually, but I wasn't interested in the closet from either side.

It can be a problem at times also when someone of the same sex tries to flirt with you, if you are not bi-sexual, gay or lesbian. While it is easy to let them know from your own perspective, some people seem to feel very awkward and it can put a strain on a budding relationship. I recall one time making a reference on channel about my gender and I got a message from someone asking me "YOU are a woman? I HAVE BEEN FLIRTING WITH YOU!" In this case we chuckled about it and it didn't seem to make any difference in our relationship, but in another situation, the relationship was never quite the same. :(

and Sesqui adds...

Most of the time, it seems like women are the ones that choose genderless nicks to avoid the onslaught of male advances. In my case, as a man, I chose a non-male nick in an effort to be enjoyed for who I am, not my "equipment." I get hit on lots by men that think I am a woman. When they find out, some of these guys can be very blatant in their insults to me. It seems like they think I am trying to get them involved in some hoax or some sort of homosexual activity. Women, in general seem to enjoy not feeling the pressure of me hitting on them and so it probably feels like I am a woman to them. It almost intensifies their feelings for me as a friend and a trusted male.

How we handle ourselves around men and women is quite a complex subject. How do we show affection to each other, especially if we make assumptions about whom it is OK to hug or smoooch and whom it isn't? How do we put ourselves out in conversations in private messages and on channel? On the one hand, if we are not up front right away about what gender we are, then we are opening everyone up to a potentially uncomfortable situation in the future. On the other hand, if we make it a point to reference our gender to make sure there is never a question, then it defeats the whole purpose of genderless nicks.

I have tried answering "are you m or f" questions with "gender is irrelevant to any conversation we might have" figuring it would come across as female but uninterested, but stopped when it seemed to split about 50-50. I also tried answering with "female but not feminine" but found it got me invitations to lesbian channels. I now answer with "f" or "female" and nothing else. I still respond to kisses and roses with "a hearty handshake and a pat on the back." Some are bothered by it. Some see it as masculine. I do it to remove gender from the interaction. Females shake hands in real life. It is the expected norm where I come from, so why should it be unusual on the net?. It is not a total wasteland out there. There a few men and women on the net to whom what sex you are is quite irrelevant. To me they are the real gems of the net. You can really relax and just be yourself when gender is not a factor :):)

So what about the show of affection and greeting if people are trying to stay more a-sexual? Are hugs to be given out freely to male and female alike? Several men mentioned that as a males, they could only give hugs or receive them from females. That in itself implies there is still a sexual connotation. There are actually many on channel that prefer to NOT have hugs or smooooches. It seems awkward sometimes though to have so few other options. Who knows? Maybe we can get creative and come up with some new ways of greeting each other and relating as we break or at least bend the genders on the net.